I Think I Lost My Salvation
I have a responsibility to tell this if any would listen. I have no right not to try . First, let me say that Jesus is my Lord and Savior . That He is my God and that I am of the born – again, evangelical Christian faith , indwelt by the Holy Spirit . But not with so much of His Presence as I once had . For I have damaged that fine and wonderful state. Happily , I am being restored after several horrifying months , nearly losing salvation .
The difference of opinion between eternal security and conditional security is centuries old . My purpose is not to write a scholarly treatise on the proponents of each view, but to let the O.S.A.S. ( once saved, always saved ) folks know what it is like for a Christian to foolishly and ignorantly approach losing salvation .
After many woundings and the grinding ordeal of a life spent in too much spiritual bondage and not enough of a mind of Christ , I blew it . Someone did me much damage . It was nasty . I was used, swindled and extorted . The details don’t matter . What does matter is that in exasperation with my existence , and with lack of proper awareness of scripture, I spoke wrongly to Jesus . In lack of proper consideration of His efforts on my behalf, I allowed myself to focus on the negative . I told Him in bitterness, offended with this life in mortal flesh, that the best thing He could do for me was to take me out of existence at the moment of the rapture. That He could not possibly do better than that for me. I said it twice over several days of stewing about the fiery darts I had taken. The most stupid thing I ever said.
It was not my true heart . It was not my sincere, normal sentiment . I really did not believe in what I had said . But this is what I said to the Dearest, Most Wonderful Person in my life . I said it to Jesus.
Over the next few weeks in church , I noticed for some reason that I was not feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit very much during praise and worship. His presence is normally strong in my church . I began to wonder if I had a bigger problem than I knew. Maybe even the loss of salvation .
In some anxiety now, I began to search the scriptures . Also, I began to search topics on the internet . Before long, I was reading articles about Hebrews chapters 6 and 10 . And about the loss of salvation . With some alarm, I realized that I had likely stepped in some territory that as a Christian, I do not want to tread . More than just being rude to God a couple times . And I began to see from scripture that for a Christian who had experienced the gifts of heaven such as miracles of healing, this was deadly ground. That loss of salvation is possible .
I had forgotten that years earlier, I had read those chapters in Hebrews . But life and busyness and the grinding , wearing down of saints had taken their toll over time. The enemy is so good at stealing scripture from the minds of saints who do not study enough . As the Bible notes in Hosea 4:6 , that ( God’s ) people are destroyed for lack of knowledge , and in Proverbs 18:21 that life and death are in the power of the tongue . So, let’s look at Hebrews 6:4 – 8 and 10: 26 – 31 :
Hebrews 6: 4-8 KJV : ” 4 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened , and have tasted of the heavenly gift , and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, 5 And have tasted the good word of God , and the powers of the world to come , 6 If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance ; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh , and put him to an open shame . 7 For the earth which drinketh in the rain that cometh oft upon it , and bringeth forth herbs meet for them by whom it is dressed , receiveth blessing from God . 8 But that which beareth thorns and briars is rejected , and is nigh unto cursing ; whose end is to be burned. ” For any who wonder at this, we are the dust of the earth . The Holy Spirit is like the rain . And what I said to Jesus was thorns and briars .
Hebrews 10: 26-31 KJV: ” 26 For if we sin willfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth , there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, 27 But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation , which shall devour the adversaries . 28 He that despised Moses’ law died without mercy under two or three witnesses : 29 Of how much sorer punishment , suppose ye , shall he be thought worthy , who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified , an unholy thing , and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace ? 30 For we know him that hath said , Vengeance belongeth unto me , I will recompense, saith the Lord . And again , The Lord shall judge his people . 31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God .”
I can tell you from the horror of what I experienced for several months that the application of these verses is deeper and greater than just the superficial historical context of the book of Hebrews . There are numerous ways to offend Jesus and, in round – about fashion, also the Holy Spirit to just the same level as those ancient Jews who had accepted Christ, but returned to animal sacrifice. Yes , I experienced enemy attacks during this time . But there is no mistaking the rage of God . The Christian who has received healing miracles from God and yet ignorantly or not transgresses these passages in Hebrews 6 and 10 accomplishes the following if he really means it in his heart , subject to the Sovereignty of God : He , in round – about fashion, figuratively backs – in the side door of blaspheming the Holy Spirit of God . He cooks himself , having committed a spiritual abortion on himself with his own tongue . I spoke to Jesus. I was not even thinking of the Holy Spirit. But, by extension, the Blood of Christ bought the agency of the Holy Spirit in my life . I invite any to look up the very loose and vague definition of blasphemy in Webster’s dictionary . It is potentially very dangerous stuff . Much can be blasphemy . If one denigrates the Blood of Christ , he also maligns what it bought for him . I thank God that though man looks at outer appearance , God is always about the true heart ( 1 Samuel 16:7 paraphrase ) . May those who favor O.S.A.S. – eternal security take note . How many of you have ever said such folly to Jesus , after having healing miracles , and truly meant it in his heart ? Nobody who is still saved . Don’t let yourself ever do it . Just to say it ignorantly without meaning it in your heart is scary as hell . I am convinced that the Father loses children every day . That it hurts Him tremendously . And that it enrages the Holy Spirit. Those who think that the passages above from Hebrews apply to folks who never really were saved, consider that Heb 10:27 does not refer to people anxious for losing something they never had . When the Holy Spirit left me, it felt like my insides were collapsing . I begged God to retain me to sound this warning , for the loss of salvation is poorly understood by many Christians, and seldom discussed . Especially by someone who has figuratively been to the edge of open pools of brimstone . John chapter 15 tells me that Jesus is the true vine , and abiding Christians are the fruitful branches nourished by Him .
And that the fruitless branch that is cut off by the husbandman ( Father God ) withers and is thrown into the fire .
Friends , nobody since pentecost was a branch attached to Christ in the first place except a true Christian . Any utterance that implies to God that what Jesus did for you just was not good enough , or that depreciates His blood , is capable of baptizing you in the lake of fire if you meant it in your heart. Beware those who grew up very wounded, who developed resentment and offense towards life and at times even God . Be careful what you say to Him, no matter how hurt . We have the Best Friend possible in Jesus . But before He was our friend, He was always the Most Excellent Majesty on high . Best to think of that last part first ! Beware ! The lukewarm church of Laodicea is growing rapidly . The great falling away is happening. Even as God saves thousands . Remember that Jesus sent word to John the Baptist in Luke 7:23 : ” And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me. ” This means anybody, even believers ! We must not get to the point of offense with existence and turn it against God. We can experience loss of salvation if we mis-use our free will .
I will point out briefly that the O.S.A.S – eternal security folks like to quote Romans 8 : 35 ; 38 – 39 :It says : ” 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword ? … 38 For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come , 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord .”
See that sin is not named in these verses . God did not create sin . True, no other creature can separate me from the love of God . I am the only creature that can potentially separate me from the love of God . By means of willful sin , as Hebrews says . So called high – handed sin that puts God down . Normally, for the Christian , ” Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me .” ( Rom 7:20 ) The devil loves for us to forget the part about the human will. Willful sin , ( Heb 10:26 ) , done with a high handedness ; presumptuous sin reproaching the Lord ( Numbers 15: 30 – 31 ) , turns this on its head . If I sin like that , at such level of willfulness , now once again it is me who sins !!! Such presumption is counterfeit faith . This soul shall be cut off from his people . God gives us a free will. If one cannot use his will to leave God, inadvisable as that would be, then one does not have a free will ! Christianity would then be compulsory . I felt the beginning of what it feels like to be cut off . Horror. Desolation. Alienation from the very creation. Even from the rocks and the trees . Compared to the damned that have passed beyond, even a rock is more legitimate ! For it was created by God and does what God wants it to do ! This is what it is like at the verge of losing salvation .
I implore my O.S.A.S. brethren to remember that we have not arrived to stand before the Lord yet . That salvation is multi- faceted . It is a process .
Rom 5: 10 KJV : “… we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son .” We were saved .
Eph 2: 5 KJV : ” … by grace ye are saved . ” We are saved . We have a born – again, living spirit from God.
Rom 5: 10 KJV : “…we shall be saved by His life .” Our souls are changed from glory to glory , by the transforming of our minds . Our bodies shall be saved .
James 1: 21 KJV : “… receive with meekness the engrafted word , which is able to save your souls .” Our souls are still being saved . Our spirits are already grafted in to the True Vine, Christ ( John 15 ) . Our souls are being grafted in , from glory to glory, by the transforming of our minds , receiving the engrafted word . That process is ongoing. It can be interrupted , or even cut off .
Php 2 :12 KJV : ” Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling .” Bring every thought captive to Christ by receiving the engrafted word as your soul is being transformed from glory to glory . The point is that we are still being saved. Killing sin can cut this off . We have not arrived yet .
2 Pet 1: 10-11 NKJV : ” 10 Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure , for if you do these things you will never stumble ; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ .” We must attentively make our election sure . We must maintain what we obtain. Especially our salvation . We must maintain the state of rejecting the commission of killing sin . Remember Rom 8:13 :
13 ” For if you live according to the flesh, you will die, but if through the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. ” This addressed to the Brethren in verse 12 !
” If anyone sees his brother sinning a sin which does not lead to death, he will ask, and He will give him life for those who commit sin not leading to death. There is sin leading to death. I do not say that he should pray about that. 17 All unrighteousness is sin, and there is sin not leading to death. “
I do not advocate salvation by works any more than I subscribe to the hyper grace movement . James 2: 17 KJV says ” Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone .” If such faith is dead, then how much more dead is the counterfeit faith of presumption that leads to killing sin ? There are limits to God’s grace . One cannot say just anything to Jesus from the heart, having tasted the gifts of heaven like healing miracles, without losing salvation . Life and death are in the power of the tongue. Nothing and nobody besides me can take my salvation, and God will not take it away if I stay away from killing sin. We must not be so offended by life that we get offended with God. It is dangerous . Jesus said , ” And blessed is he , whoever shall not be offended in me .” ( Luke 7: 23 )
The following is the rest of my ordeal, approximately . With growing anxiety , I repented to God every way I thought could apply . I didn’t know . I had forgotten. The enemy had stolen scripture from my mind . That was not my real heart . I love you , Lord. You know that I do . I adore you and want to serve you forever . All I got was rebuke , dread and empty, gnawing desolation . I began to try other churches , desperately looking for God’s Presence . Nothing . Just a growing sense of separation from God and His family. Feeling in church like an outsider who didn’t belong there . Horrible . Then, even the rebuke of the Spirit stopped . My praise and prayer were of no effect . Without the Spirit, the soul buckles quickly in one who has known Him for so long. I had to start taking tranquilizers , then stronger tranquilizers . Ativan then clonazepam . For sleep , over – the – counter meds, then prescription trazadone . I sat bolt – upright in my recliner night after night, managing only a couple hours of sleep each night . My appetite mostly stopped . I ate little and often did not eat . I lost 35 pounds in about two months . Every day was horror and fear . I tried to think of how I could hide my state from my family . It would devastate them to know . I felt like the biggest fool ever, listening to my mother talk about how we all would be together in heaven . Well, not quite, mom. I can’t tell you …One weekend, I thought to seek solace in nature . On a cold, sunny , windy day , I drove to an area lake and parked by the water . Nobody else was there . I hoped to drink in peace from the beauty of nature . Futile . I had the worst feeling of alienation and desolation . Like a huge claw of vacuum and emptiness shoved up under my sternum . No, it was not my heart or gastric reflux ; this was entirely spiritual . Even the trees and rocks had no use for me , as they were legitimate, and I was not . I knew that this was the sense of damnation that the demons feel . You see, there is a Presence of God in nature . The earth declares the glory of the Lord. And various scriptures describe trees, pastures, mountains, hills, heavens and earth as singing, shouting for joy, and clapping their hands. Look at 1 Chron 16:33 , Ps 65:13 , Is 44:23, Is 49:13, and Is 55:12 . Even nature turned its face away from me. I have never felt so disowned, disconnected . Interruption of service. You’re off the plan. For weeks, I had a strange, cold , spiritual burning inside. Impossible to describe .There were numerous omens . Spooky, scary and more than I can remember . A friend re-heated dinner rolls in the oven for me for a couple minutes. When he opened the oven , they were on fire ! Here is your portion , idiot me . The bread of burning . I remember the creepy lady in the elevator one day, going up to ” H ” level in the parking deck. She remarked creepily that ” H ” should be down ! I get it, hell is down ! Her familiar demons knew my plight . The enemy was taking jabs at me. But along the way I felt plenty of anger from God at times . There is NO mistaking that ! And a website kept coming up on my computer all by itself , even after I had deleted the bookmark. Across the top of the page, it said ” A Time for Judgment .”Even when I would try to take refuge in the presence of other Christians for the sake of their angelic escort , I would feel the anger of God for my going among them . The soul that sins so as to be cut off from his people has no right to be among them any longer . He does not deserve it ! Such sin resulting in loss of salvation is possible even today. Not just in the old testament ! Even the holy angels of God have a free will to this day . And if they choose, can certainly fall away from God . Not that any would ! But the possibility is still there even for Christians . One Sunday, I attended an evening service in a large, Spirit – filled church. As I sat down amongst the congregation, I felt an intense urge to get up and bolt out of there . Like I had nothing in common with those people and did not belong there . I realized that I was being oppressed by a demon . He wanted to drive me into the wilderness to destroy me. I made myself sit there . As the service started, I prayed silently inside to God and asked Him to send angels to take the demon off of me. Gradually, I felt peace and loosened up. By the end of the service, I felt great and had my first good night of sleep in a long time. But, just because a demon leaves does not mean that you get the Presence of God back. My soul was desolate, just a soul trying to act spiritually alive. A pathetic and futile act. The week of Christmas, 2014 , both Creflo Dollar and Matthew Hagee preached on Christian television about the loss of salvation. I heard most of Creflo’s message, but could not listen to the younger Hagee for long. It was too scary . He kept telling things that would cook your relationship with God, and saying if you did this, ” It is over ! ” I had to change the channel. Knowing that God had left me, I was overcome by a blanket feeling to commit suicide . Thank God that my experience let me know instantly that this was another demon ; that this sentiment did not come from me . As my son was in the house, I once again prayed silently inside to God . I told him that I knew it was not His will for me to kill myself ; that it would hurt my family. I asked God to send angels to take this demon off of me . You see, I no longer had power or authority to send the demons away in the name of Jesus . They would just come right back . But God could still hear me. The urge lifted completely in a few minutes . It was just one of satan’s cockroaches . I continued almost nightly to call out to a silent God begging Him to keep me, to not throw us away . Not to keep me just to have me, but to use me to warn others of the peril of losing salvation. I told Him again and again that the message was seldom preached, and poorly understood in much of the church. And that I did not want Him to lose even one more child . I told Him over and over that I loved Him, and wanted to praise and worship and serve Him forever. That I feared Him very greatly. For weeks I got silence , desolation and anxiety . I could see God moving in my circumstances , but no Presence. No Comforter . I do remember one day shortly after Christmas sitting in a relative’s house . I said quietly inside myself to Him ” Lord, I am sitting here quietly terrified of you .” After a few minutes, this eased to a mere anxiety . One of the Apostles spoke of knowing the terror of the Lord, and therefore persuading men. I get it ! I much prefer the fear of the Lord ! The ordeal began to improve for me early in the new year. I had occasion to help a disabled christian who had recently been homeless to find sanctuary . The Lord had formerly put this man on my heart , and the Spirit had on a few occasions wept through me for him. Hebrews 6:10 says : ” For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labor of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister . ” I had seen before my ordeal that partnering with God according to the charitable fast that He has chosen in Isaiah 58 causes one’s prayers to be heard, and moves the hand of God. For several days of great relief, I worshipped the Lord and was blessed with His presence .
Assured by prophets who did not know me that I was forgiven and that intimacy with God was still available to me, I began to recover . I was stunned and overwhelmed for weeks. Devastated . Both by my experience, and by the burden to tell what I have learned about the loss of salvation . To warn brothers and sisters who may be on the edge , vulnerable to the enemy . The maimed. The wounded, demoralized, tormented , exasperated , worn – out and stragglers at the edge of the flock . The beleaguered and those goaded repeatedly by the enemy for decades . Those whom roving packs of enemy wolves think they can rip down to hell, stealing children from the Father Himself . Those bound by figurative barbed wire , but Christian . Brothers and sisters are becoming lost again . Irredeemable like the devil himself . I am convinced that for the one who really crosses that line from the heart , they will not live long . The Father is losing children every day . The night I saw the prophets mentioned above, the enemy almost killed me . I had a bag packed for the hospital, but went to the house of God instead . Pulmonary embolism removed . My life was spared .
As I sought to begin writing this piece , The enemy frantically tried again and again to distract and divert me . One week , as I tried to get medical help for my young son who was having chest pain lasting an hour after exertion, I had oppression from an unscrupulous doctor who all but denied him service . About to open a formal complaint against him , I repented and told God I would not allow myself to be diverted . I sat down and forced myself to begin writing this . I insisted to do my Father’s will , though it is not a fun job this time . Within a couple weeks, it was obvious that God had healed my son . We didn’t even ask for healing ! I insisted on taking care of my Father’s business, and He took care of my son ! I have even had a couple healings myself since my ordeal . A root canal averted and a foot healed . God is restoring me even as I write .
One last point . As I discussed with a pastor the burden to get this message out, we both felt a big increase in the presence of the Lord . And in trying to do so, the enemy has hindered, causing work not to be saved and breaking a blue tooth key board . I prayed over my broken electronics , and asked God for it to be fixed . A couple days later , it was working again. You see, demons break electronics . This is not the first time . And God or His angels fix them. Not the first time for that, either . Encouragement from God. And opposition from the enemy. I know this message is timely and needed . I am utterly convicted that the Father wants the church to have a candid and thorough discussion about the potential loss of salvation . With periodic refreshing . Please disseminate to numerous ministries and Christian leaders . And to any Christian you know . Someone at risk is going to be warned, alerted, educated and pulled back from losing salvation ! May the Father in heaven not lose even one more ! Maranatha and God bless and preserve you all in Jesus name .
Post script : For those who have never made Jesus Christ their personal Lord and Savior , no matter how religious or not , I beg you to pray the following in sincerity to God above : Dear Lord Jesus, I confess that I have sinned . I believe that you , being God , came to earth in human form , the only begotten Son of God the Father , born of a virgin, lived a sinless , holy life , and died in my place on the cross to pay the debt for my sin. I believe that you arose again on the third day following , and later ascended back to heaven to make intercession for me. Jesus, I accept your sacrifice for me, and ask you to please save me from my sins, come in to my heart and be my Lord and Savior forever . Let the Holy Spirit of God dwell in me forever and make me like Jesus always . In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen . Search ” the romans road ” online and review . It’s all there .
PPS : A few days ago, the enemy made another attempt on my life . A physical attack against my heart . I am glad to say I recognised the true nature of what was happening , and by the grace of God was able to pray directly for a squad of angels to come hedge around me . I have no idea how many came , but the attack subsided in a couple minutes after prayer. See, we’re on to something here . The enemy has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar . He does not want anyone exposing him causing christians the loss of salvation .